Good morning and happy mother's day! Thank you to all the mother's out there who give so much of themselves to make sure their children feel safe, loved, and supported.
Today as I think about my wish for all mother's to have balance in their lives as they juggle the responsibilities of raising a family while keeping in touch with their personal goals and desires, I want to expand this wish to individuals who are the caregivers for their loved ones. I believe the unconditional love and support given by a person providing care for a loved one has many similarities of being a parent. However, the lines are quite different and navigating that path in a healthy way is necessary for the overall health of the relationship.
One huge difference to recognize is that your loved one is not your child and although they have personal needs they need your help with they need to be a partner in the process. Of course it is impossible for me to make a blanket statement here that applies to everyone. There will be individuals whose loved one has declined mental abilities and certain decisions will need to be made for those individuals. I more aim this post at individuals whose spouses mental facilities are completely in tact but their bodies are limited. I think a lot about why my husband and I have been so able to successfully move forward since his accident and the one main factor I see is we communicate clearly with each other. Neither one of us let pent up anger or negative emotion hide out inside of us where it can turn into resentment and rot our relationship. This is not to say we have not experienced negative emotion or anger since the accident. Coming out of this first year post accident has been quite the emotional roller coaster! We have yelled about each other, yelled about the accident, yelled about the truck that just left my husband for dead, yelled about the doctor's, and cried about all those things too, many times. The key for us is that we have been really good at not attacking each other personally and when we do we talk about it once we cool down. We have both kept it clear in our understanding that what we are going through is hard but we love each other tremendously and to move forward we need to be on each others side.
This commitment to keeping communication open, honest, sincere, and empathetic I believe is a major contributor to how I have been able to stay balanced. It is the foundation that allows me to build any structures I need with great function and stability. There are plenty of tricks I am learning about the physical act of caregiving that are helping me become more competent and efficient along the way which are also important. However, I strongly believe that without a healthy and open line of communication the lines between spouse and caregiver will blur and the relationship will suffer. If you think your relationship has come out of balance consider evaluating how well you think you are openly communicating to each other. If you find inside yourself there are resentments or other negative emotions then it is time to talk and problem solve with your loved one. If starting a new way of communicating seems challenging then give some structure to your communications. Maybe do a morning or evening check-in where you set aside 20 minutes with no distractions to express how you feel and what you need to help you feel better. By putting your mind and your heart together it is possible to solve any problem or improve any situation. As always I wish you all the best and send love. Aloha!
