Staying Balanced as both Caregiver and Spouse

Good morning and happy mother's day! Thank you to all the mother's out there who give so much of themselves to make sure their children feel safe, loved, and supported. 

Today as I think about my wish for all mother's to have balance in their lives as they juggle the responsibilities of raising a family while keeping in touch with their personal goals and desires, I want to expand this wish to individuals who are the caregivers for their loved ones. I believe the unconditional love and support given by a person providing care for a loved one has many similarities of being a parent. However, the lines are quite different and navigating that path in a healthy way is necessary for the overall health of the relationship.

One huge difference to recognize is that your loved one is not your child and although they have personal needs they need your help with they need to be a partner in the process. Of course it is impossible for me to make a blanket statement here that applies to everyone. There will be individuals whose loved one has declined mental abilities and certain decisions will need to be made for those individuals. I more aim this post at individuals whose spouses mental facilities are completely in tact but their bodies are limited. I think a lot about why my husband and I have been so able to successfully move forward since his accident and the one main factor I see is we communicate clearly with each other. Neither one of us let pent up anger or negative emotion hide out inside of us where it can turn into resentment and rot our relationship. This is not to say we have not experienced negative emotion or anger since the accident. Coming out of this first year post accident has been quite the emotional roller coaster! We have yelled about each other, yelled about the accident, yelled about the truck that just left my husband for dead, yelled about the doctor's, and cried about all those things too, many times. The key for us is that we have been really good at not attacking each other personally and when we do we talk about it once we cool down. We have both kept it clear in our understanding that what we are going through is hard but we love each other tremendously and to move forward we need to be on each others side.

This commitment to keeping communication open, honest, sincere, and empathetic I believe is a major contributor to how I have been able to stay balanced. It is the foundation that allows me to build any structures I need with great function and stability. There are plenty of tricks I am learning about the physical act of caregiving that are helping me become more competent and efficient along the way which are also important. However, I strongly believe that without a healthy and open line of communication the lines between spouse and caregiver will blur and the relationship will suffer. If you think your relationship has come out of balance consider evaluating how well you think you are openly communicating to each other. If you find inside yourself there are resentments or other negative emotions then it is time to talk and problem solve with your loved one. If starting a new way of communicating seems challenging then give some structure to your communications. Maybe do a morning or evening check-in where you set aside 20 minutes with no distractions to express how you feel and what you need to help you feel better. By putting your mind and your heart together it is possible to solve any problem or improve any situation. As always I wish you all the best and send love. Aloha! 

Remembering the Importance of Self-Care

Aloha world and good morning! Lately it seems I have heard from a few different sources how unlikely it is for a relationship to stay in tact after one person suffers a spinal cord injury. Many thoughts have crossed my mind since my husband was hurt but one thought that has not crossed my mind is leaving him. This has led me to reflect on what it is about our relationship that keeps us going forward together. 

First and foremost I believe I must credit my dedication to doing self-care. I am fortunate that self-care has long been a priority in my life so that even before my husbands accident I had already established self-care routines to maintain my emotional and mental well being. Of course times are different now and I have had to modify those routines to adapt to our new lifestyle to fit in my routines. While I believe it helped to have a groundwork to build from, I do not think anyone who did not have such established routines has any less accessibility to implementing such routines at any given point into their lives. The thing about self-care is it is more about making a choice than any other factor. I have heard people offer many reasons why they can not do self-care in my work in the mental health field. Most often people speak of not having the time or money. Usually though I find if I dig deep enough it tends to boil down to people don't feel they deserve to take the time for themselves or don't know how. 

This is where perception comes into play. The thing about our beliefs is that we get caught up thinking they are absolute and true but we are never able to get outside of ourselves and be truly objective. We see the world through the meaning we give it with our perception of the information given us. Perception is the sum total of how we choose to make meaning of our beliefs and information (events, circumstances, etc.) that present in our lives. There is a great quote by Wayne Dyer that speaks to this idea that states: "Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change". In other words we have the choice at any time to shift our thinking and see things a different or new way. 

This comes into play hugely in a relationship after spinal cord injury (actually I would say this is true for all relationships:) However, after someone in the relationship sustains a spinal cord injury obstacles and challenges fire rapidly. Making conscious effort to mind your thoughts and make thoughtful choices to perceive those challenges in a manner that serves your growth in the best possible way is critical to staying emotionally and mentally healthy.

You may be asking, so how do I learn to make these changes and get to this place of emotional and mental well being? Ah, and now I get to make the full circle..... The magic happens by taking the time to do self-care. 

The Rooster Crows and the Day Begins

Aloha and Good Morning!

Previously I wrote about the very beginning of the journey with my husband after his spinal cord injury. Today, I would like to fast forward 10 months as I sit out on my lanai listening to our new neighbor Mr greet the day rooster. Yes, the days of sleeping late on a lazy Sunday relishing in the freshly cleaned sheets have passed. However, maybe not for the reasons you may think. 

I read a post early on where a lady described her marriage to her husband who was paralyzed as including 3 entities: Herself, her husband, and the disability. She explained that the disability has needs just as well as husband and wife that demand a certain amount of attention. Her point being that everyone in the marriage needs their needs met so while it is necessary to give the disability attention, equally important is that both husband and wife meet their needs a couple as well. I have found this to be so true. There are routines that need to be followed and our wake up time is more scheduled now, the disability definitely calls for its due attention. However, compartmentalizing in this way has helped me remember that we are a couple who are very much in love and it feels great to nurture that love. 

So back to why I am sitting here listening to the rooster crow, and the birds starting the symphony of their morning songs, well by choice of course! Did I ever think I would wake up at 5:00am on a Sunday (and Saturday too) on my days off? No Way!!! What I have found however is  that this time of day is absolutely inspirational. As I continue to write blogs I hope to find ways to share how in my experience of adjusting to life after spinal cord injury I have found ways to be calm, peaceful, joyful, hopeful, and loving. One hugely important contributing factor is this time I have carved for myself at the brink of dawn. Starting everyday grounded and centered is the best thing I can do to help set the foundation for the day. 

As always, to anyone struggling to move forward after they or a loved on have suffered a spinal cord injury, I send my love and prayers. Aloha!

The Journey Forward: A Wives Tale

The initial shock of learning that my husband in one moment went from being the most capable man I had ever met to a quadriplegic absolutely took my breath away. Simultaneously time seemed to stop and move impossibly fast.  In our case since we live in rural Hawaii, my husband had to be flown to another island to receive care at a trauma 1 hospital with the ability to provide the appropriate level of care for his level of injury. Suddenly amidst the immobilizing fears and uncertainties I had to jump to action and handle a slew of logistical needs. The accident happened about 1/4 mile from our home and I was able to go to the scene of the accident and be with my husband until the paramedic's arrived. I then went to the hospital and stayed with my husband for 5 hours until they could stabilize him enough and arrange a medical transport to the island of Oahu. Unfortunately the night of the accident it was raining so hard they were unable to send the flight for life helicopter so we had to wait for a plane to become available. I had spoken to husband just 15 minutes before the accident. He was coming home from work while I was making dinner. As he came around the last turn before our driveway, a truck was coming down the hill cutting the corner and in his lane. My husband swerved and given the torrential rains went into a hydroplane, crashed into several trees until his impact on the final tree was so hard it split his car open, ejecting him 15 feet.

Those first few weeks were surreal and to anyone in that place I send my love and prayers. I will provide a "survival guide" based on my experience and hope it helps anyone feeling stuck and unable to see the path forward.

Tips for Starting the Journey Forward after SCI

• Delegate roles to key players in your family and friendship circles to communicate about the situation. I chose one person from my family, one from my husbands, one person from my husbands work, one person from my work, and one friend who was willing to communicate to all the others. 
• Take a walk outside the hospital everyday. Connecting with nature (even in a city there is still the sun and moon above) connects you to your source of pure positive energy within.
• Touch your spouse often. Rub your fingers through their hair, kiss their forehead, hold their hand, ask the hospital staff any stretches you can do.
• Talk to your spouse as tender and lovingly as you can muster. Do not talk to them about your fears, worries, or stress. I used guided meditation techniques with my husband. I often referred to the light and guiding him to go to and be "in the light" 
• Remember to eat, the healthier the better
• Do some research about the rehabilitation hospital that would best suit your needs and be accepted by your insurance. We went to CRAIG Hospital in Colorado. They were fantastic and I would highly recommend them. CRAIG provided free housing for me while my husband was in their care which was huge.
• Talk to your work about what arrangements can be made to allow you to take leave and be with your husband while in rehabilitation. Any time you are able to spend at the rehabilitation hospital will be invaluable once you return home and take a more primary role in your husbands care. This time also helps with the transition by exposing you to many other individuals in the same boat who are successfully moving forward.
• Keep your interactions with others to the people or sources that uplift you. This is no time to let in the negative influences of others. Be wary of folks who only want to stick in the pity and hardship. This can be a trap and impede you ability to move forward. There will likely be well meaning individuals who want to "help you vent" that only help keep you stuck in a low place. 
• Do seek out the support of uplifting sources of help and people. I watch a ton of youtube videos. I especially have found immense support from: Wayne Dyer, Abraham Hicks, Joe Dispenza, and Bruce Lipton. Feeding your soul is as important as remembering to feed your body.
• Be your own cheerleader. Pay attention to your self talk and say to yourself statements that empower you such as: " I can handle this", "Everything will be okay", "One day at a time", "I send love and healing to all of us".... etc.

This may well be the hardest thing you go through in this life. It seemed a favorite phrase in rehab was "it's a marathon not a race". This is so true and it really does happen one step at a time. I wish anyone on this journey much strength and hope this post helps. Take care!