Back to School: A Parent’s Guide to Getting Off to a Great Start

The lazy days of summer are coming to an end and the school year is fast approaching. This can bring on stress for families as they adjust schedules and prepare for sending kids off to school and making sure their children have all the supplies they need. It is easy to get wrapped up in the crazy scramble to get it all together and as a result feel overwhelmed and stressed out. This guide is meant to help parent’s get the family prepared for the school year so everyone can get off to a great start.

1. Start preparing children for the transition to the school year by having a family meeting two weeks before the first day of school. Turn off all distractions and make sure no one brings their cell phone to the table. Start by discussing that the school year will be starting in two weeks and that schedules and routines will be changing. Together with the children talk about bedtimes, wake up times, homework time, play time, after school activities, weekends, and chores. Let everyone share what they think would be fair timeframes. Then together compromise times that everyone can live with. This is especially important with older children as they are developing more need for independence and control in their lives. When the family works together to decide the rules it helps take away the power struggle when rules are broken in the future. (i.e. you agreed when we decided together what would be a fair bedtime so we are sticking to what we all agreed to)

2. After everyone agrees to the schedule and timeframes, discuss what will happen if these rules are broken or the schedule is not followed. What will be the consequences for coming home late, not going to bed (or turning off technology) at the set time, waking up late, not doing homework, or not doing chores? Again compromise until everyone agrees on consequences they can live with. Make sure to talk about use of computers/cell phones/video games. Remember even children who bought their own computers/cell phones/video consoles and feel entitled to use them whenever they want likely don’t pay for the power to run them. Taking away chargers is a highly effective consequence.

3. Type or write up everything that is agreed upon and have everyone sign a copy. Make an extra copy and place it on the refrigerator. You may also want to discuss what your expectations are for making exceptions to the schedule such as asking at least a day in advance etc. Address also what your expectations are for when children say they have no homework to do during homework time. Having them read is an excellent option.

4. One week before school starts bring everyone to the table again. Have the children state what was agreed upon including the expectations and consequences. As they relate what they recall provide positive reinforcement by telling them how proud you are of them for remembering. Then read through the agreement and look to see if anything was forgotten. Remind them of any forgotten bits and then have them repeat what you say to make sure they understand. Again have everyone state they agree to the expectations and consequences.  

5. Three days before school starts have children start waking and going to bed at their school night bedtime.

6. It is extremely important that parents stick to the agreed schedule from the very first day of school. If children come home from the first day of school and are able to manipulate the schedule it will be 10 times harder to gain compliance from day one forward. They have to see that the boundaries are set and firm or they will push and rebel trying to buck the system set in place. They will not likely have homework on the first day of school but they can organize their binders and backpacks (another great option when they say they have no homework during the year) or they can read at the table.

7. Praise and reward! Make sure to catch your children being good. When they wake up on time, tell them how awesome they are. Do the same for every expectation they follow. Surprise them with a reward during the week when they have been consistently meeting the expectations. Rewards could be going out for an ice cream cone, going to the park and playing with the child, or letting them pick a movie that the family watches together. The most powerful rewards involve you giving time to your child. The most common complaint I hear from the children I work with is that they just want their parents to spend time with them doing something fun.

8. If expectations are broken address the issue with the child in a calm firm manner. If you yell and become demanding the child will most likely rebel more and pull you into a power struggle. Research has proven that physical or emotional punishment only teaches children to become sneakier. It may appear on the surface that you have scared them into complying but chances are all you have taught them is how to avoid your wrath by developing the ability to be sneaky and deceitful. Instead, calmly tell them they broke the expectation, the agreed consequence, that you still love them and believe in them that they will do better moving forward. Children need to know that mistakes are a part of learning and it is okay to make mistakes. However, mistakes come with consequences and part of the learning process is accepting the consequence and then moving forward hopefully not making the same mistake again.

9. Did I mention praise and reward? Oh yeah, I did…let’s say it again because it is that important! Children need attention. They will adapt to get whatever attention they can be it good or bad. Help them develop self-esteem and confidence by giving them positive attention, often. Smile at them, ask them how their day went, hug them, and tell them all the things they do right. As a result they will learn to love the positive attention and learn to seek the positive attention over the negative.

10. Make time to care for yourself (check out my self-care blog). Everyday do something that nurtures you. Take a 5 minute walk before or after work or get in the car and turn up your favorite tunes. Even the busiest person can fit in 5 minutes to do something loving for themselves. Hug and kiss your significant other if you have one every day. Make plans to get a babysitter and go do something fun at least once a week, even if you can only get away for an hour.

    Setting these strategies in place right from the start of the year will reduce your stress greatly. Children need structure and routine to be successful and you their parents have the power to set them up for success. Remember to breath, smile, and tell yourself it’s going to be a great year!

5 to 1 Gets the Job Done

In the education world we hear the phrase 5 to 1 gets the job done quite often. What does it mean you ask? 5 to 1 means every one time you provide a correction to a student there should be five positive statements given to balance the negative effect of the correction. The ideology that supports this kind of treatment towards school children is nothing new. It has its roots in therapies such as applied behavioral analysis which has been around since the sixties. By the eighties a man named Randy Sprick was publishing books on how to successfully run a classroom without relying on punitive measures to control the children proposing instead to implement proactive and positive instructional techniques. The books he wrote are called The Solution Book (1981), Discipline in the Secondary Classroom (1985), and Foundations (1992). These works from Sprick and some other researchers from this time period birthed what we now know as Positive Behavior Supports (PBS).

You cannot go to a meeting anymore where a discussion of classroom management does not include how to use PBS strategies. You would think this is great news and that since these strategies are emphasized so strongly that classrooms now days are these wonderful learning environments where the children’s needs are always met. The reality though is that there is a pervasive continuance of the belief that children should do what they are told to do and if they do not they should be punished. Often times not just punished but made the fool in front of all their peers so the shame and embarrassment will teach them a lesson about being respectful. To boot this is almost always governed by the teacher’s opinion that the child definitely “knows better” and that the teacher has “done everything right” to “control” the classroom.

If you are like me when you hear this kind of talk you stomach does a flip and you feel great sadness for the children. If you are like me you wonder how in the world is a child to learn how to be respectful when they are humiliated in front of their peers and supposed to learn about respect by being completely disrespected by their teacher. It is as if responding to behavior with negative punitive measures is the natural knee jerk reaction. Despite the attention given to the massive amount of research available that supports using positive behavior supports for a successful classroom and proves punitive measures do not work and more often increases negative behaviors, it is still way more common to see the use of punitive consequences than proactive positive supports.    

So I challenge you to think about your interactions with the people in your life to give the 5 to 1 philosophy a try. I have seen the proof that this works with our children in the schools. It is such a great sight and wonderful feeling to look upon a teacher who whole heartedly implements positive behavior supports in their classroom. You can feel the energy coming from the room and it is so positive. The children are engaged with the teacher, they smile and participate, and even the generally most challenging children feel wanted and try their best. I believe we all could use the 5 to1 strategy in all our relationships. Do you work with someone who is difficult to motivate? Try the 5 to 1 trick and see if they start wanting to try harder. Do you find that anytime you want to ask your partner to help more or complete unfinished projects it turns into a huge fight? Try the 5 to 1 trick and see if they are more willing. Do you find your teenage children constantly engaging in power struggles with you? You guessed it, try the 5 to 1 trick and see if the struggles subside.

So how do you give positive reinforcements? It is in all your actions, the words you use as well as your non-verbal language. Give frequent smiles to the person or high fives and pats on the back. Say thank you for the tasks they do complete. Every person wants to feel appreciated and stating your gratitude is a powerful reinforcement. Reward them with your time (especially children love and crave this), bake a sweet treat, send an appreciation card that maybe even includes a gift card, help them with a project, or tell them affirming statements like “great job” or “you are a rock star”. You can be as creative as you want to the idea is to make a point of actively showing you recognize and appreciate the work the person is doing.

I would love to hear your stories of using the 5 to 1 strategy within your relationships. Leave me a comment and let me know how it works in your life.